Nov 6, 2011

Like riding a bike....

Just as soon as you think nothing will ever be the same again, you fall back into step.

Life remembers the pattern.

Like a rhythm in the background you absentmindedly tap your foot to. It just happens.

Like riding a bike, just jump on and it'll be automatic. Your instincts will kick in.

Amazing how true it really is...

And as you move forward, you forget the past. It's not easy. And at this point, not even really sure that it's possible, but it has faded. So, I guess it's not really forgetting as much as it is making it your history. MY history. OUR history.
You can't dwell on what it was, what it wasn't, what you had, what you didn't. You have to live with today and the hope for tomorrow. I think that's what everyone wants, ultimately, just hope.

And so, I move forward everyday with the hope of more tomorrows.

In the last 6 months, our family of 3 has relocated, learned to walk (lol, 2 of us!), thrown a few parties, gone to a few parties, turned 1(!), laughed, started talking, cried, turned 34, yelled, danced a little, and sung a lot!!

We also received 3 clear PET scans (ahem, that is MEEEE cancer FREEEEEE!!! :) and in September, much to my excitement,  my Port-A-Cath was removed!!
Major milestones in anyones journey, and proud to have them in mine now.

The other stats on my "recovery" (that just sounds funny to me, because I don't really see it as that) to me are the more real side of chemo. The daily stuff that makes us human.

-I have to shave my legs, everyday. I by have to, I mean should...this was the best part about chemo, I swear.

-I'm still in menopause. Not sure if I will ever "not" be. I see this as a big perk ;)

-My hot flashes are worse if I am stressed, or drinking because I'm stressed...bummer, right?!

-My daughter thinks my hair is funny. Truth is, sometimes I do too.

-I hate the scar on my abdomen because the doctor made it ugly. (not the cancer scar, the other one that goes from the top of my pubic bone to just below my belly button. real pretty...all the other ones are not bad.)

-I have had two hair cuts. Each week of growth was a different stage and I felt them all: from cancer patient to GI Jane, to "did she really cut her hair off like that?" to the "girlfriend cut" (I actually got approached by a nice young lady one day) to "thank God for hats" to "maybe if I wear a head band" to , oh, and that's as long as it's grown.

Sometimes I feel like I have it all together. Sometimes I feel like it is all falling apart.

I am learning to realize that both are ok.

On the day of my outpatient removal "procedure" I was able to purchase 2 lovely orchids to support the hospital where every procedure and surgery I have had was done, TRI-City. The one I got myself has the nick-name of The Dancing Lady".

I keep it on my desk at work...I suppose to remind myself that life is too short....Keep dancing!


Feenyx said...

You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met!

beckieM said...

when one of your children goes thru the valley of death’s shadow, you would give anything - your very soul - for the right to hurl yourself at death and murder it with your own hands.[tony woodlief]
Thanks, Ra, for showing me how to pry my hands from the impotence of rage and embrace the journey. You continue to be a shining example of Grace under fire. love u 4ever mom

the pattern

Just as soon as you think nothing will ever be the same fall back into life's steady pace. L I F E  R E M E M B E R S  T ...