Oct 18, 2010

Forget me Not

Four months is the longest and shortest time that I have ever been out of the office. Last year I took off 10 days for our wedding and a local honeymoon, but never would I have considered taking 4 months off. Since I started my career, I have never not had a job (thank you Lord) so I have been consistently working for 13 years now.

EXCEPT for the last 4 months.

I was forced (by my doc) to leave work 4 weeks prior to my due date because of pre-eclampsia, and put on modified bed rest. I then had 6 weeks maternity leave, and after that, 8 weeks (surgery recovery) disability leave. All of this added up to the longest time I have ever been away from any job, and the shortest time ever to bond with my little girl.
While I have never seen myself as a stay at home mommy (SAHM) I can now understand the lure... Being a mommy is like falling in love, everyday, over and over again. You don't even want to sleep for fear you will miss out on something cute they do, or hear them squeak so sweetly, or smell their lovely breath as they sleep in your arms. As I prepared to return to work on Monday, I realized that it was just not enough time....

Last night as I was laying in bed, trying to calm my brain into a deep sleep, I kept thinking:
I hope she doesn't forget me.

Then, as neurotic new mom's can be, I began to obsess more on this simple statement. What I initially meant, is that I hoped she wouldn't forget me while I was at work the next day. Then I really thought about it.
I hope she doesn't forget me when I am gone....

My little girl is the reason for my intensely positive outlook on my life during this storm. Without her to focus on, I am sure I would have crumbled into a shivering ball of tears by now, run crying to therapy, become a withered mess of a woman.
But she gives me hope!
She gives me reason to keep my head up, and keep moving forward, as there is so much more than 4 months time that I have to offer her!

I know that God only gives us what we can handle, and I know that he only gave me this challenge once I had Vida LaRue. He knew that she would bring me peace, hope and a daily commitment that would focus my energies in a positive direction.
Because of the life that I have in her, I know that I won't have to worry about her forgetting me when I am gone, as I will have many more years of loving her. I know that she will look back at her life, full of wonderful moments with her mommy. There is no doubt in my mind that God gave me this beautiful little girl so that I can watch her grow, change in the seasons of her life, and teach her the wonderful things that only God can do. She allows me to focus on the positive aspects of life and to know that this is my story, OUR STORY, that no one else is writing.
I thank God that Vida will always "Forget me Not"

4 comments:

Jenna Tunes said...

...sniff, sniff...
loved the part when you said being a mommy is like falling in love, everyday, over and over.
It is amazing, isn't it? And I am so glad that we get to participate in enjoying that love together, at the same time. It's not something that you can describe to someone, it has to be experienced.
Loving your "Story", Ra. Love you guys.

Ashley said...

um ya sniff, sniff for sure . .
Ra you are such an inspiration to me in how you are coping with your challenges. Mommyhood is the best! I can't wait to meet your Little:)

Kell & Nick said...

Wow...you are such an amazing person Rachel! Vida is so lucky to have you as her mom! You are an inspiration to everyone!

Always thinking of you!
Kell

Anonymous said...

Rachel,

Your writing is amazing and so open and inspired! Vida is a beautiful girl and continue to draw strength from her and your faith in god. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and with your attitude, you are going to KICK cancers ass!

Love,
TK

the pattern

Just as soon as you think nothing will ever be the same again...you fall back into life's steady pace. L I F E  R E M E M B E R S  T ...